When in Chicago a couple weeks ago, Vanessa and I went on a segway tour, which proved to be one of the best decisions of our lives.
Howard Jamieson recommended we take one, just for the experience of riding a segway. Our hotel concierge Faith was all too helpful in calling up Absolutely Segway Tours and booking us the Museum Tour for 11:30 a.m. on Monday September 6.
The whole thing was a little bit nerve-wracking, as me and motorized vehicles of any sort don't tend to mix well. I don't have my driver's license because driving is so hard. I also once crashed a go-kart because I couldn't find the brakes. Don't even get me started on bumper cars.
Luckily, the two and a half hour tour proved to be nothing but fun -- full of ups and downs, breathtaking views, and more than a few laughs.
Click inside to take this remarkable journey with us.
Here I wheel my segway out to the practicing area. I was pretty okay with this part, as both my feet were still on the ground.
Our tour guide's name was Anthony. I immediately thought he was cute upon meeting him, because these days it's apparently impossible for me to meet a moderately good-looking man without getting horny. Vanessa thought he was clown-like. Different strokes.
Before mounting my segway I informed Anthony I'm incredibly off balance, "like, even walking on the ground." He assured me it wouldn't be long before I wasn't even thinking about my legs.
I'm pretty sure Anthony was shocked at how serious I was about being off balance. I enjoyed this private time with him guiding my way.
Then, he let me go, and got the hell out of the way in case I went out of control!
Here, I'm focusing so hard on not falling over by remembering what Anthony taught me -- just lean with my toes to go forward, and lean back on my heels to slow down and/or reverse.
Vanessa went through a similar, though surely not as unbalanced, training process. Sadly, it's not photographed because there was no way I was letting go of one of my handlebars to grab my camera.
Anthony, meanwhile, led the tour without holding on at all. He's soooo talented and balanced.
He was also so full of, at least some, interesting knowledge about Chicago. But he was also open to contributions from the group. For example, while talking about one specific time period in Chicago's history one of the others suggested "And it would've smelled bad at that time." To which Anthony said "Yeah, maybe it would've smelled bad." He was so agreeable.
Before we mounted our segways, we had to watch a video which featured stick people animations doing bad things on segways and then wiping out. One of these bad things was going down steep inclines. It put the fear of god in me. Here, we are not only going downhill, but navigating a corner. Such skill!
At about this point in the tour, Anthony asked me where I'm from and we had a really meaningful conversation about Toronto, while I focused so hard on balancing myself at the traffic light.
Crossing the street was a particularly hilarious sight, because we were instructed to do it single file.
So imagine sitting in your car at a red light and seeing eight people in orange helmets on segways cross your path.
In addition to the segways and Anthony, the tour was great because it allowed us to see some sights of Chicago we didn't know existed. Case in point -- did you know this big fountain, as seen in the opening theme of Married With Children -- is located in Chicago?!
What a great photo op location!
At this point, I finally felt comfortable enough to reach into my bag with one hand and grab my camera . . .
. . . so I could photograph Vanessa, and the happy married couple on segways behind her!
Vanessa was just waiting for the opportunity to show off.
Balancing and BBM-ing?! Outrageous!
And away we go again!
Spreading our wings.
Here we arrive at a beautiful view of the city, and Vanessa takes my photo. With my camera around my neck I couldn't look like more of a tourist . . .
. . . until we zoom out and reveal I'm on a segway, and I give a thumb's up. Oh me.
V's turn!
Half-time hot dog!
"This is the stadium where the Bears play," Anthony tells us. "Um, what exactly do they play?" we ask in response. Not even joking.
While Anthony continues to give the history of this fine stadium, Vanessa and I wheel away to take our photo in its reflection. Sneaking away is so easy on a segway!
Anthony is an actor. He's next appearing in a play I can't remember the name of, but Vanessa says has something to do with Orson Welles. It opens on October 10th. Perhaps because Anthony is an actor, he chooses to hold one of his suspenders up with a safety pin instead of buying a new pair. I find it endearing.
Around this point in the tour, Anthony asks me what I think of those stupid single-toed running shoes that are great for barefoot running. I tell him that I saw someone wearing them once at a Beer Festival, and judged them harshly. He tells me he has a pair, but agrees that they should only be worn in running situations.
We were nearing the end of our tour when we had our first legit fall. We were standing around, minding our business, balancing our segways, when one of the older women exclaimed, "I'm falling!" We then turned to witness one of the slowest falls in the history of life. She must have felt herself losing balance, but none of us were willing or able to jump off our segways to save her. So she very slowly stumbled backwards off her segway, which fell on top of her. Remaining calm, Anthony told her "You can let go of the segway now."
While she regained composure, the rest of us wheeled ourselves over to gawk at this fountain.
Back on track, someone asked Anthony what material he thought a random building was made of. When someone suggested marble, he said "Yeah, could be marbs. Marbsies." Inside I swooned so hardcore, and immediately told him I appreciated his use of an abbrev.
At the end of our tour, we decided to take one last ride around the rehearsal area before dismounting from our segways. Somehow at this point, Vanessa's segway took on a mind of its own, and started leaning so far back she thought she was going to fall off. Therefore, she called out "I think I'm going to fall!" I had no idea what to do, so probably said something like "Are you really?" We kept moving, and eventually her segway regained its balance. And as I typed this part of the story, I literally just started laughing out loud so hard that I cried, on my couch. My new roommate must think I'm crazy.
This photo depicts Vanessa in happier segwaying times.
Excuse me now, it's time for me to google "Anthony + Chicago + play + Orson Welles + October 10," and see what I can dig up.