Yesterday I discovered the creator of Doritos had passed away over the weekend at the age of 97.
After I shared the news with some close friends, we spent the day emailing our favourite Doritos memories back and forth (there were many). It culminated in one friend writing a story about the sad news for the Toronto Star.
A great way to celebrate a great man, we figured, was to spend our evenings eating Doritos. This would work well for me, I thought, because I just moved into my own apartment. I wouldn't have to feel shame for eating Doritos for dinner, because no one would witness it.
After work I stopped into my local supermarket and headed to the chip aisle hankering for some Sweet Chili Heat. Before I could even get to the Doritos, I spotted something new and strange: Ruffles has released a new 'Spicy Ketchup' flavour.
If you know anything about my chip tastes, you know I think Lays Ketchup is tops. I had to try this new 'Spicy Ketchup' to see how it stands up against my all-time fave. It went in the basket.
I then surveyed the Doritos selection, and discovered an 'Intense Pickle' flavour I had never heard of -- intriguing. But I had come here for Sweet Chili Heat, and figured I should celebrate the creator of Doritos with a flavour I knew I loved. Sweet Chili Heat went in the basket, as I texted Vanessa about my 'Spicy Ketchup' and 'Intense Pickle' discoveries.
"You have to take one for the team," she responded, urging me to also get the 'Intense Pickle' Doritos.
"Can I really walk to the cash register with three big bags of chips and feel any self-respect?" I wondered to myself.
"Well, the Doritos are all on sale ... and I don't have to eat them all tonight ... but why wouldn't I get them all now while they're less expensive than usual? And for all anyone else knows I'm having a group of people over tonight to eat chips in my new apartment. (I'm not)."
"Alright, I'm going to do it!" I decided, and marched toward the chip aisle to quickly pick up my third bag of chips and head as quickly as possible to the cash.
On my way, however, I saw a friend. A friend I tend to see in these kind of casual run-in situations, when you're not expecting to run into someone you know, because you're on your way to put a third bag of chips in your basket, which is not something that should be witnessed. I said hi, hoping all the junk food would go unnoticed.
To make matters worse, along with two big bags of chips, my basket contained a box of KD and a McCain frozen pizza.
Quickly feeling pressure from within, I acknowledged my disgustingly junky basket of food. I explained I was here to buy Doritos, because the creator of Doritos had passed away, and he deserved to be celebrated.
"Oh, so you're having a Doritos party tonight?" my friend asked.
"Uh ... a Doritos party of one," I responded.
Shit.
"That second bag there isn't Doritos though."
Shit again.
I explained how I had to buy this new flavour of ketchup chips, because I consider myself a ketchup chip afficionado, and so I just had to.
Thank goodness I hadn't yet made it to the chip aisle to add the 'Intense Pickle' bag to my basket.
As I wrapped up my desperate explanation and hoped my friend didn't ask about my KD, frozen pizza and canned soup (yes, I was buying canned soup too -- all these things were on sale, okay?!), I heard my name called out.
My friend Lisa -- from a completely different circle -- had passed by, and would now also get to witness my diet of chips, noodles in a box, and frozen pizza.
As I greeted Lisa, friend #1 took this as a cue to leave.
Shame spiral number one complete.
"What's new?" Lisa asked.
I took this as my cue to go through my whole fucking Doritos and Spicy Ketchup chip explanation again. Because I couldn't just not draw attention to the shit I was buying.
Lisa, lord love her, was very supportive of my decisions.
I told her about how I also discovered the 'Intense Pickle' Doritos and her face lit up. She told me how these 'Intense Pickle' Doritos are a true delight, and that I should really get some.
"But I can't get three bags of chips at once," I argued. "That might be crossing some sort of line."
"Sure you can," Lisa said. "You can just put some away for another day."
She's clearly never witnessed me devour a bag in 15 minutes flat.
Together, we walked to the chip aisle, where I swapped Sweet Chili Heat for 'Intense Pickle' upon Lisa's recommendation. She also picked up 'Intense Pickle' as well as the new Spicy Ketchup Ruffles, which made me feel great -- someone else shared my joy for salty snacks. I'm certain she wasn't planning to eat both bags in an hour like I was. But still, strength in numbers. Or something.
After that, we parted ways. Having gone through an emotional roller-coaster of excitement, embarrassment, and back to excitement, I came home, sat down, and celebrated the creator of Doritos with some 'Intense Pickle.' And I have to tell you, Lisa wasn't lying. They're good!
My takeaway from this whole experience, I think, is that just because I now live alone, doesn't mean people won't find out about my questionable habits. Paritcularly if I then write a 1,000-word blog post about them.
I'm proud to say I haven't even opened the Spicy Ketchup Ruffles yet. But don't worry, there's always tomorrow.